I pushed back the curtain a bit and set the steaming cup of chamomile on the wide window sill running beneath the two side-by-side windows on the southeast wall, the windows I always look out each morning. Though only a slice of sky rather than a panoramic view, most mornings I see changes from black to dark blue, then purple, and finally blendings of yellow, orange and red. I eased into the rocker and picked up my Bible, holding it to my chest.

Silently, Lily Bugs landed on the window sill. I stood up and opened the window a creaky three inches so she could feel the cool air, smell the rose bush climbing the drain pipe just outside the window and watch early-morning dog walkers.

“Father, I just do not know where to start. I do not know what to even try to say. It’s just. . . “ I stopped and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate.

“No! I do not want to close my eyes. That makes the thoughts too real.”

I stared into the darkness, feeling my face pinch into a frown, that look of intense inward concentration you see when someone focuses on a difficult task. Softly, I began praying in the Spirit, using my private prayer language. (If you do not know about praying in the Spirit, start reading at page 15 in the booklet “The Remedy for Desperation” at www.wordsofhopeandhealing.com.) After a while, I closed my eyes and kept them closed. That’s when the feelings surged up.

That’s when the tears finally came, from deep inside, the tears that God’s shielding cushion had suppressed for three weeks, those three weeks when the loss had been too much to comprehend, and then when my mind had rebelled against believing it was real.

Now, though, now the sorrow of it all floated into consciousness, that despair and discouragement as much a part of loss as the hand’s dorsal and palmar sides are part of each other.

As the crying turned to sobbing then quiet weeping, I kept talking with God.

Photo by Sylwia Bartyzel on Unsplash

Your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.” (Psalm 119:105, NLT) “Father, thank You that I know You will take care of me, that I know everything will be alright. Thank You that I know You are right here with me, that You will never leave me or fail me or let me down in any way, (Hebrews 13:5), that I know You will keep supplying everything I need and so much more (Philippians 4:9).

Thank You that I know, although I do not feel it right now, that there is no sorrow or heartache You cannot heal (Psalm 103:3). Thank You that I know You are close to the brokenhearted, and You save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18, NIV).

Praise You that You will be “my strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army”  and that You will make “my feet like hinds’ feet, and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering, and responsibility.” (Habakkuk 3:19, AMPC).

In spite of all this, Lord, I know You will help me to say, “Yet, I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation.” (Habakkuk 3:18, AMPC). Thank You that I know You will give me Your strength to do the things that must be done today, and the next day and the day after. Thank You that You will guide my steps as I lean on You, even though I do not understand this at all (Proverbs 3:5-7).

I am grateful, dear Father, for the experiences You have used to train me to make a sacrifice of praise (Psalm 49:14-16) and choose to rejoice in You, no matter what, and to follow the other steps in Philippians 4:4-7, where Paul said:

 ^“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I am grateful You have taught me that if I keep my mind fixed on You, if I lean on You, rely on You and hope confidently in You, that You will keep me in complete and constant peace (Isaiah 26:3). Thank You for teaching me that keeping a verse or a passage before my eyes all day long and pondering on it keeps the enemy’s thoughts out of my mind and fills my mind with good things, the things You tell me to think about in Philippians 4:8.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Photo by Taylor Flowe on Unsplash

 ⁸ Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.” (Joshua 1:8, NLT)

By then, gentle sunlight dappled through the leaves in the tree where a sparrow perched, inclining his head from side to side before flitting away. I blew my nose one last time.

“You know, Father. I think I need to review Psalm 18 again. I’ll study that one again and then print some verses to carry around and meditate on until I memorize them.”

I opened my Bible and quickly scanned the psalm before moving to the desk.

“Well, Father, I think the first verses I’ll meditate on until I memorize them is verses 33 and 34.

 He makes my feet like hinds’ feet [able to stand firmly or make progress on the dangerous heights of testing and trouble]; He sets me securely upon my high places.

He teaches my hands to war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

These verses also talk about high, dangerous places, only this time it calls them places of testing and trouble. And I see how the next verse talks about You equipping us for battle. That’s what this is all about, I know. That spiritual battle we are in with the enemy of our souls. This loss is just one more attack from him, one more attack like he has used on millions of others before me.

But Your Word and Your love have never failed. You delivered others from the snares of the enemy (Psalm 91:3), You have delivered me countless times before and I know You will deliver me from this one, too, Lord. So, we will just start with verse one and see what You have to show me. I love You, Lord, and I trust You.

Photo by  Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash