Monthly Archives: October 2019

Finding peace, in a park

Time to stop fretting myself. “Yes, darling, you can run ahead to the playground. I’m right behind you.”

My grandsons, six and a half and almost eight, ran at top speed toward the play equipment in the center of Garrison Park. I swung my big green bag to my left hip, holding the big thermos of cold water in my right hand. The bag—the same type of nondescript, reusable grocery bag I used for years as my “Nana” day bag when I spent weekday mornings with my preschool darlings—contained a snack for the boys, my cell phone and a lime green folder. The folder contained three different bunches of paper, paper clipped together, filled with margin notes, crossed out lines, and numbered points, the fruit of a two-month struggle to write the second in a series of blog posts about seeking the presence of God.

The boys raced over a field of grass lightly browned from lack of rain. Soon, it would be truly brown from the frost of fall mornings. I sighed as I trailed slowly behind them. I was not ready for change, for the boys to continue growing up, and not ready for autumn, my favorite season. I had planned to have so much more writing done by now!

I had been counting my blessings all morning, struggling to maintain a positive attitude as I had struggled at the computer for four hours.

“Thank You, Father, for the idea to take the boys to the park. How sad it would have been to miss this good time with them because I was cooped up, fretting about my work for You.”

I paused in my thoughts. Wow! In that moment, truth shifted my perspective and my feelings. I knew God did not want any of His children to stress about doing their work for Him, whatever that work is. Jesus says, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30. KJV) And God tells us to rejoice always, so that means each minute of our day, which includes work of all kinds.

After seeing that Ben was on the slide and Ansel was on the ramp, I sat on the fully shaded wrought-iron bench. Wind blew, gently, starting at the top of the old oaks bordering the playscape. Like an invisible curtain, the wind swirled around and downward, small brown leaves polka dotting its movement and making the unseen visible.

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Accepting change. Autumn was in process. Change was coming, no matter how much I wished for delay.

Cars whizzed by on Stassney, which bordered the park’s western edge. Swings creaked, back and forth. Creak, c-r-e-a-k. Cool air caressed my cheek. Children shouted and laughed and yelled, each of them all at once, a soothing, happy sound. The hamburgers for the birthday party folks at those three picnic tables smelled tasty. A father in a red shirt goo-gooed at a tiny toddler in a white-laced playsuit as he pushed her on the baby swings.

I ponder. In the last seven years how many memories have I stored up from this park, memories of collecting rocks and acorns, building fairy houses out of twigs, marking our path in the dirt with a stick as we took an adventure hike on the trails. How many? I recognize the distinctive sound of Ansel laughing and wonder how close humans come to the capacity of sheep and other animals to distinguish the cry of their own young from others.

The heart of a child about my work for God. I brought the boys here so they would have a fun outing. I also brought my request to God, a request as tangible as the green folder holding the paper-clipped pages.

“Father, keep speaking to me, as I look at the trees and children and listen to the birds. Speak to me about peace regarding my work for You. Lately I always feel I am not doing enough or doing it well enough.”

I watched Ben huddle with three other boys atop the monkey bars, pointing and, as usual I was sure, giving directions. My eyes roved over the whole playscape, gazing at kids running after each other, jostling to climb up ladder to the slide and sitting on the ground, splitting up a crinkled Hershey bar.

Do these children fret about their work, this task of growing up that they are eagerly doing this moment? No! Why? Because it is in their nature to trust their parents and to enjoy each moment as it comes.

“Okay, Lord, I get it. Thank You! I know our work for You will sometimes be difficult but You never want us to fret about it. You tell us to approach You like the little children we are and to trust You. I do know how often You warn against worry and fretting and I know Your Word is filled with reassurances against fear. Oh, Father! Give me the heart of a child about our work! Help me remember Your many reassurances – that You work everything out for our good, that You busy yourself with each detail of our lives, that You show us the way to go if we ask You, that You make our plans succeed if we commit them to You, and so many more life-giving promises, Lord!“

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Ansel walked slowly toward me,  flushed from running, sweat on the edges of his hairline, face filled with the frustration of being little brother. I patted the seat beside me, handed him the thermos of cool water, and he leaned against me. I took out some clean paper from the folder, drew a tic-tac-toe square, and handed him the pencil. Soon big brother walked towards our bench, sat on my other side, and took big gulps of water. I gave him a sideways hug, and kissed the top of his head, inhaling deeply.

His hair smelled of sunshine, fresh air, and a healthy little body, exactly like his Mother’s at that age. Impossibly sweet, touching memories. Ben took his turn with the pencil next, drawing stick figures and asking how I draw feet for stick figures.

A beautiful dance. I wish I could have a picture of us, an older woman in black shorts and stretched out turquoise tank top, support stocking on her left leg, a young boy with straight brown hair pressed against her right side, his small hand resting on her arm and another boy on her left side resting halfway in her lap, drawing.

I cannot take a picture, but, as I have learned, I can deeply imprint this memory on my heart by being fully present and letting love engrave the sights and sounds, the feelings and thoughts.

I smile, listen to the wind rustling the leaves, and enjoy the treasure of feeling cuddled.

“Thank You, Father! Thank You so much for these precious moments today. Help me remember that You care far more about me than about any work I can do for You. Help me trust and rest in You more. And Father, help me accept change. I know that as I yield to Your plans for my life, like brown leaves in this autumn wind, we will make a beautiful dance. I love You, Lord, and I trust You!”

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I need You, my Lord!

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Thank You, my Father, my Beloved, my One
for all You have given, for all You have done.
You stopped all the fighting, my struggling within.
Your love set me free from deliberate sin.

No more do I struggle with wanting to stray,
for Your spirit within me shows me Your way,
the way I should walk to glorify You,
to show Christ to the world in each thing that I do.

Let that be one offering of thanksgiving and praise,
for I am so grateful my Comforter stays. . .

. . . that Your Spirit indwells and evermore stays,
and comforts my heart through each of my days!
Your presence to stay and never to leave
is almost too much for my soul to believe,
for Father, I need You, oh! so desperately!
I need You, My Lord, to abide with me!

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Fresh hope and cheer for daily life

Need comfort? 6:40 a.m. So tired, like always it seems. With the overcast sky, the light coming through the window is soft and muted. I prop up sideways and stretch my legs out full length, on my big brown corduroy couch. Although I really want to lie down, I need to stay vertical for two hours after eating because that tummy problem has returned. I tuck the cell phone partly under my right hip so it will not fall off the couch. I have already texted parts of Psalm 91 to two friends who are walking through crisis situations and, as I do every weekday morning, I texted with my son-in-law to see how he and my daughter and two grandsons are today.

I clutch my well-worn copy of the New Living Translation Bible to my chest, repeating verses 19 and 22 of Psalm 94 over and over. By God’s loving grace, I just happened to see those two verses after I texted my friends. This moment, I need God’s living comfort in verses 19 and 22 for my own soul. I need to hear: “When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. . . But the LORD is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide.” I pause as I sit on the couch in the soft morning light, and I pray, earnestly, because I need His help.

Dear Father, I need You so much! Help me make this day what You want it to be. Oh, Father! Help me work on the writing today. Help me keep my mind on You and helping others so I can stay positive.”

When doubts fill our mind. I want so much for you, dear friend, and me too, to know, to be convinced of, and cling to the following truth about this day of our daily lives, yours and mine:

The same awesome God who helped miraculously over and over again in the stories you and I read in the Bible and in the testimonies we hear, that very same God Is helping you and me, today, this very moment and He has a wonderful, victorious day planned for us both.

You may, like my two friends, be facing dire health or financial trials today. Or maybe it is the seemingly little things that are troubling you today. My own challenges today, the little things I face that are hard, are to do the work of establishing this writing ministry and to do the work of staying free from depression and anxiety.

As I think about these personal challenges, I remind myself, and you, that God loves us just as much as He does the people in the Bible and the people in the testimonies we hear, and that He is working for us this very moment, to give us what we need today as we follow Him, no matter how imperfect we are.

Regarding my personal challenge of establishing this writing ministry, since school started and my job ended a month ago, my days have felt empty. I miss my grandsons and I miss my part-time job. I do not like being alone but solitude is necessary to write. It is a daily struggle to discipline myself to sit down and write rather than run away from my little home and flee the loneliness. This in spite of the fact that God so very graciously touches my mind when I write. I am so very weak and human and so grateful that God “does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. . . Psalm 103:10, NLT)

Is my not writing “sin”? Yes! It is certainly missing the mark of God’s best. That is the point! On the days when I cannot discipline myself to write and on days when I let other things distract me, I ask God for forgiveness and I ask Him to help me change and do better. And then I trust Him and try my best to do the “good” He has shown me. (Psalm 37:3) As I do that, I “feed on His faithfulness” and He faithfully calms my heart.

“Just to know” (as my grandsons say), here is a picture of my darling Barny. As I was faithfully sitting down, writing this, my furry writing buddy jumped to the desk and curled up in a cubby. Ah, so comforting to have him close enough to touch, saying he loves me in his own sweet way. Beyond all doubt, the loving eye of God is on each of us each moment and He sends us little reminders like this of His love all day if we look for them with expectancy. As He says in Genesis 28:15, “And behold, I am with you and will keep [careful watch over you and guard] you wherever you may go and will bring you back to this land. (AMPC)”

Rejoicing in trials. Regarding my other pressing personal challenge this day–maintaining freedom from depression and anxiety–I am choosing to rejoice that this trial continues. I choose to rejoice that it still requires much daily effort on my part. Why? Because, as He says in John 15:1-8, God uses trials to cleanse our hearts and make us more fruitful. God and I have demolished many strongholds of wrong thoughts and beliefs and I have far more joy and peace, but much remains to be done.

Some days are still really hard and I still often forget, or fail, to do the things I know keep my heart peaceful. But I am getting better and I want my loving Father to continue making me more whole and more healed. Psalm 94:12-15 in the Amplified Classic Bible reassures me that I am blessed because God is still working in my heart, to train me so I can keep myself calm in hard times.

I reassure myself with the message of verses 12-13 “Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whom You discipline and instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law, that You may give him power to keep himself calm in the days of adversity, until the [inevitable] pit of corruption is dug for the wicked.”

So, I sit down and deliberately ponder the whole of Psalm 94. God clearly says He is working with me, for my good, so that I can learn to keep myself calm in the storms of life. He promises He will fight for me and that His comforts will “cheer and delight” my soul, even when my mind is filled with a multitude of anxious thoughts.

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Facing the challenges of your daily life today. I urge you, dear friend, whatever your personal challenge is today—toughing out another hard day at work, caring for a loved one in the hospital, or believing God for rent, groceries, or your next breath—let God comfort you with renewed hope and cheer as you ponder Psalm 94, verse 22. Say out loud, “The LORD is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide.”

God’s promises in Psalm 94 are working for the challenges of my own daily life this day, as I try to do “the good” I know God has shown me for today. And God’s promises will work for this day of your daily life. As the great hymn “Trust and Obey” says, “Trust and obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus. . . “ Just trust God and do good. You will live in His promises and, as you sustain yourself with His faithfulness, you will be fed abundantly! (Psalm 37:3)

God’s promises never, no never, no never fail! When I was on the couch, eight hours ago, clutching my Bible to my chest like the security blanket it is, I doubted I could get up, start writing and keep myself in peace. However, by His great grace, I have finished this blog post, gone to physical therapy for my feet, run some errands, and tidied up a bit. I will soon be off to Bible study tonight.

God loves YOU and He promises in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is all we need because His power “. . works best in weakness.” (NLT). Just trust Him and try!